When you have a lot of children, you end up with a lot of grands, great-grands, and a great-great grand when you are turning 87 years old. The world is so different now and at my age I’m limited in money, modern skills, knowledge, and strength to be of much help to any of them. Sometimes it simply breaks my heart and I sit and weep for them and for me too, because I love them all so much that I hurt for and with them and am overwhelmed by my helplessness. And they don’t really know how much I love them, because their lives take up all their time and strength.

I used to take my grands and the older great-grands to the Science Museum in Nashville every few weeks. So many good memories, but they don’t talk about those times, so I sometimes think they don’t remember them or know how much I love them. It breaks my heart.

But this week I got a few moments with Hannah who is my grandson Jake’s dearest love. And she told me that he talks about those trips to the museum often. I am shedding a few tears of happiness as I write this, because that means so much to me. Jake is specially tender hearted. He even cooked my favorite “Shrimp and Grits ” a couple of years ago at Christmas for me at our family gathering. Hannah is a lot like me I think, but I haven’t had much chance to get to know her because Christmases are wonderful, but chaotic with little one on one time.

Some of my children and grandchildren are divorced. And sometimes their estrangement means I have to choose between them and their ex’s whom I had come to love. Marriage is the hardest challenge we have and when they end nobody outside them can judge either partner because relationships are so complicated and difficult in different ways for different people. So ultimately I have had to choose whom I remain close to and frankly right or wrong, if forced to choose, my family will be my choice. Partly because right or wrong, I am part of why they are who they are. But I never stop caring or praying for those I came to love because they loved my child or grandchild.

The older we are the more people we love and the more we hurt and worry and feel helpless when they are hurting or struggling and lost.

The life, losses, and suffering of Jesus are the blueprint of a life of learning to love and the pain that goes with it.

I cannot imagine how anyone makes it without experiencing and clinging to that Love of God for each and every single one of us fleshed out in Jesus.

The words “I am weak, but He is strong.” sum up my life. Sometimes I lose touch with that Love that is the grace to persevere in loving when it’s so painful. But I know it’s there for me to reach out again and hug it close and draw strength even through tears so I can keep caring and loving even when I am helpless to help those I love who are hurting. I KNOW God loves them too, just as much as God loves Jesus!!!!!!!! But I also know the journey is hard and even knowing with all my mind, body and spirit that we are tenderly and unconditionally loved it can seem overwhelming. But I do believe that prayer makes us junior partners with God and no matter how helpless I may feel or be, I can still pray. And though my list is long and I struggle with forgetfulness, God knows who is in my heart and they are always in His.