Important Things I Learned from First Graders When I Was Forty
Thirty-five years ago when I taught a combined first and second grade class, it was an unparalleled opportunity to see human beings in an unvarnished state. At that time children weren’t being sent to daycare at birth, and kindergartens were non-existent in small towns and rural areas like ours, so the strongest influence in most of my young students’ lives had been a relatively accepting and affirming mother or grandmother. The children hadn’t been lacquered with social conformity yet and their unique personalities and ways of responding to life hadn’t been labeled or graded. It was an amazing experience of the delightful, though challenging, diversity in human nature. Seeking different approaches to teaching, so the explosive joy of learning could happen for each child, was a fascinating puzzle.
The effects of prior influences such as family economics were definitely identifiable, but still somewhat malleable.
When Larry, a well scrubbed youngster with a home haircut and rural speech patterns, was obviously being excluded from group play at recess, I checked it out. David, the local bank president’s son explained simply, “We don’t play with the Crocketts.” But when I said gently, but firmly, “Here, you do,” he and his peers accepted it cheerfully, glad enough to have another male team member in a class where girls outnumbered boys. They didn’t need much encouragement to let gender outweigh adult social divisions.
Larry was already a survivor. If he hadn’t lived on a dirt road that ran through a creek, he would have been called street smart. He had a pragmatic approach to coming up with answers. When he was put on the spot, you could see him scanning the room for clues, the alphabet around the black board, the bulletin board for words, the clock for numbers, and as a last resort, his neighbor’s paper. If even that failed, he would simply invent an answer. Often they were close enough to count.
Another child, Peter, taught me a lot about the influences of birth order in the family. He was a funny, loveable, cowboy-booted second grader, who was the youngest of eight children. My primary education classes had stressed that the timing of birthdates in the calendar year could make a child, particularly a boy, unready developmentally for particular learning tasks.
When the time came to begin cursive writing instruction, Peter’s uncontrolled scrawl in printing cast serious doubt on his fine muscle control. Since several late enrollees in second grade had left us short of cursive writing workbooks, I decided to solve both problems by holding Phillip back on starting cursive writing. Unfortunately, I had already given out the workbooks, so this meant taking Peter’s back to give it to the latest newcomer.
The next morning Phillip’s distraught mother came to me before class, describing Peter’s tearful outrage over losing his book, his very own personal book that already had his name on it. He had cried himself to sleep and for the first time didn’t eagerly rush to get ready for school.
I took Peter to the teacher’s lounge and apologized with deep regret for taking his book away. But, I pointed out how uneven and hard to read his printing was and told him that we needed to work on that before he had to struggle with an even more difficult style of writing. I gave him his cursive book back, along with some extra printing practice pages, and challenged him to practice extra hard on printing so I could move him into cursive as soon as possible. That evening I stayed late carefully copying and running off mimeographed pages from the cursive book for the newcomer. (There were no scanner/printers back then.)
The next morning to my amazement, Phillip brought in several sheets of perfect printing. In the following days everything Peter printed was perfectly shaped, sized, and spaced. By the end of the week, Peter successfully moved into cursive writing.
Motivation is an wondrous thing.
The problem is that individuals vary greatly in what it takes to motivate them and as teachers, we tend to use the approach that works on us. As the youngest child in a large family, Peter was the pet, adored and babied by all. He had never been pushed to meet external expectations. He taught me that my personal style of motivating only by affirmation might not always be appropriate.
As the saying goes, “Some people need to see the light. Others need to feel the heat!”
At the same time, I wasn’t the only teacher learning new things. Our third and fourth grade teacher, a somewhat prissy young man just out of college, learned the hard way not to let a tiny nervous overachiever named Meredith sit on his teacher manuals while under the stress of taking tests. I nearly choked trying to stifle my laughter when he called me out into the hall in a state of indignant horror. I don’t know what he did while his new manuals were being ordered, but he definitely wasn’t interested in drying out his old ones!
The Merediths with nervous bladders are already overburdened by inner pressure, but the Peters will coast and underachieve without an external push. Motivating is half the battle in teaching.
Millie, a beautiful child with huge brown eyes, had no known father and a teenage mother who had run away from the responsibility of parenting. But her grandmother and extended family came to all teacher conferences, programs, field days, and often to even have lunch with her. Toward the end of first grade, I began to chide Millie gently about not finishing her math work.
“Oh, Mrs Norman,” she responded. “I’m very good at reading. Do I have to be good at everything?”
Though fortunately unexpressed, my gut-level response was, “Of course!”
My particular personality, reinforced by a strongly academic father, had bred in me a strong need to excel in everything. I hadn’t always succeeded, but at that moment, I recognized how compulsive I still was about trying. For the first time in my life, I questioned just how reasonable this compulsion really is. So, I hesitated and gave the question serious consideration. After a moment, I replied, “No, Millie, you don’t have to be as good in math, but there are a lot of things in life that take at least knowing how to add and subtract, even fun things like shopping. You need to keep on trying; don’t give up.” She seemed to accept that and went back to work on her math paper. In later years when teaching older students with learning disabilities, I used menus from McDonalds in teaching both reading and math. It at least gave them a reason they understood to struggle to learn something that was so frustrating for them.
Richard, a newcomer late in my second year of teaching, was repeating first grade. He seemed intelligent, but definitely not inclined to do his work. In reading group his mind was obviously far away, even though he needed to be listening to gain familiarity with many of the words. I took him aside and asked him why he didn’t listen in reading group to help himself recognize the words when it was his turn. He said the stories were boring and he had already heard them all. I laughed, which obviously surprised him. So I explained, “Richard, how many times do you think I’ve heard these stories? Don’t you think I find them boring?” He looked puzzled and didn’t reply. “Richard, I have five children of my own that have brought these same books home to read to me. Then, I heard them all at least twice again last year, and now am hearing them over this year. Richard, these stories were boring the first time I heard them. Sometimes I want to scream out loud, when I have to listen to them again. Do you know why I keep listening?” Richard shook his head, big-eyed with amazement. “I do it because I want you to learn to read. I want you to soon be able to read interesting, even exciting, books you enjoy. If I care enough about you learning to read to put up with hours and hours of listening to boring stories that I’ve heard over and over, shouldn’t you care enough to listen for your own sake?” Richard looked thoughtful and finally nodded. “OK, Richard, you are going to try hard to listen and watch the words so you will remember them and learn how to read better stories and I am going to listen and try hard not to scream.” Somewhat to my surprise, Richard did try harder and did begin to read better. I don’t think it had ever occurred to him that a teacher could be as bored as he was, yet keep on listening for his sake.
Janette, whose parents didn’t even realize it, came into first grade reading on at least an eighth grade level. I quickly put her to finding her own library books to read at her seat while the rest of the class was doing reading readiness work. But, Janette was an extrovert who loved working in a group and getting good feedback for her correct answers, so I let her work in the group two days and read on her own the other three. As I began to teach math however, I discovered that having taught herself to read, Janette experienced needing to be taught math or even techniques in art as being stupid. She mentally blocked out my explanations. She felt she had to puzzle out everything on her own. And when she couldn’t make her art look as good as her friend’s, she simply turned off to art.
One day she even had a meltdown in the lunch room, because previously having always brought her lunch, she didn’t know to carry her tray to the kitchen window. When we lined up to return to class, I requested that whoever had left their tray, please carry it to the window. Janette returned to the table, but stood frozen in humiliation with tears streaming down her face. Before I could figure out how to help her, the principal came in and asked loudly, “What’s the matter with you, Janette? The class is waiting on you.” When Janette didn’t respond, the principal berated her, reminding her that her parents would be very disappointed in her for acting like that.” Janette remained frozen and mute. I didn’t know how to intervene at that point, so I just took the rest of the class back to the classroom out of hearing. Eventually Janette reappeared, red-faced but no longer crying. She was subdued and mute the rest of the day. She also brought her lunch from home the rest of the year.
For me, the whole experience was like seeing my childhood pass before my eyes: The years of learning everything the hard way. Of feeling stupid if I didn’t learn something easily and quickly, of completely turning off to art, because it didn’t come naturally to me and I couldn’t start out as one of the best. I recognized then that some of us are either born, or have become by first grade, unteachable. Self-taught doesn’t just apply to the unschooled.
Twenty years later I read about right-brain and left-brain modes of learning and that there were ways to get into right-brain mode for drawing and painting. So at sixty I took up art, knowing that mine would start out as the worst in the class, but finally believing it was not only possible to learn, but it really was all right to have to be taught. A couple of years later, when my art teacher was moving to another city, she asked if she could use my sketch from the first day of her class along with the picture of my two-year-old great-grandson that I had done at the end of the nine-week course, as an advertisement for her classes. Since this captured perhaps my greatest accomplishment, becoming teachable, I gladly gave her permission.
So not only are teachers challenged to teach, but also to find ways to help the unteachable accept being taught.
As an extrovert myself, I love hot teaching both as a student and a teacher. Hot teaching is where the teacher throws out a question or a controversial statement and the students shout out answers or arguments and a fast-paced discussion is kept up with everyone joining in whenever they want. It’s noisy, fast, and sometimes funny, but since extroverts need to say things to even know what they are thinking, this is extrovert heaven. Of course it is at the same time, introvert hell. Introverts need time to figure out what they think and even more time to figure out the best way to express it. By the time they get it together, the extroverts have moved on to something else. I still would want to at least sometimes balance the working alone times, teacher monologues, and teacher controlled dialogues with some hot teaching. But I did discover that I had created a monster for the teachers of the higher grades. Years later I ran into the fifth grade teacher and he asked, “How in the world did you teach Janette, Dolly, and Serena? Did you just let them shout out answers whenever they felt like it?” Of course, that was exactly what I had done, though just in designated group times.
I had developed my own strategies for switching back and forth between traditional and more free-wheeling times in the classroom. I developed learning centers and allowed the students to go quietly to them whenever they finished their workbook exercises while I was working with other groups. Since Peter Pan was a current movie favorite, when I wanted everyone back into their seats quickly, I called out, “ALLIGATOR!” Once a child was back in their seat, they were allowed to start saying, “Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock” until the last child was in their seat. They got into the spirit of this so much, they sat with their feet up off the floor out of the alligator infested water, until we stopped the chant. Of course, the underlying assumption was that the last child was alligator lunch.
That generation of children didn’t seem nearly as susceptible to terror as mine had been. They loved catching flies to feed to our class pet, a venus flytrap. But during my second year of teaching, I had to give this up. Several months into the year, many of the children came in telling me with big eyes and stricken voices of the story on the evening news about a child in Florida actually being eaten by an alligator. Our game had suddenly become too real for comfort.
Though my class of twenty-five students would be considered a small group, it encompassed two grades. Normally both first and second grade students would have at least twenty minute reading group time with the teacher each day. That meant the least amount of reading groups with approximately the same level of skill would be two to each grade. And then there would be several students needing more help than that. And with two grades, the most advanced group of the first grade learns very differently than those needing the most help in second grade, so even those can’t be grouped together. In primary grades the basics like reading, math, and phonics/language skills need to be taught in the morning when young students (and older teachers) are fresh. Time for four to five reading groups, two periods of math, two periods of teaching phonics/spelling/language skills is a squeeze.
I alleviated some of this pressure by recruiting parent volunteers to listen to the more advanced groups read in the cafeteria. I also used them with one or two less skilled readers at a time. This inclusion of both advanced and slower children kept the time with volunteers from carrying any sort of label for the children.
A wonderful serendipity for me personally was discovering that I could also use grandmothers for this.
My own mother had come to live with us in the country, because she was beginning to have problems functioning on her own in the fast pace of Houston, Texas. We didn’t even know the name Alzheimer’s then, but later realized that she was in the early stages at that point. We knew she needed to stop driving, but this left her stuck out in the middle of nowhere by herself all day, week after week. Since she had taught secretarial skills in a business college, I tentatively tried bringing her to school with me three days a week. It turned out that she related wonderfully to the children. They all pleaded for chances to read to her. I suspect she had a stash of sweet rewards in her purse.
As the mother of five, I too had learned that with young children, the more immediate and appealing the reward, the better the chance of reinforcing the behavior. So, I started my teaching career with a desk drawer full of candy mints. They were popular, cheap, and not messy. After a couple of weeks, Serena, a particularly energetic second grader, arrived at school with a sack of sugarfree mints for me to use for her rewards. At first, it hit me as kind of pitiful and ironic that she was furnishing her own rewards, but she seemed perfectly happy with this. And the blessing for me was that I recognized the advantage of sugarfree treats. Adding to the energy level of first and second graders isn’t something a forty-year-old teacher wants to do.
I also discovered fairly early on that some children have two-track minds. I guess they would be today’s multi-taskers. But, when they are being expected to sit still and just listen, if you don’t find a way to keep the other track busy, they will find a way that distracts the other students. I am disconcerted by students not looking at me when I am speaking. But I found by randomly asking for feedback while allowing those children to doodle, that they actually were hearing what I was saying. When it was time for important instructions, I would just say, “OK, Let me see your baby blues and browns.” That reassured me and focused any dreamers.
I wish now for the sake of a first grader that came to our school late in the year, that we had known at least what we do now about Autism. Ernie, like Janette, came in already reading anything and everything. But he read with rapid-fire, machine gun speed without inflection and without any understanding of the meaning. I did not have a clue what to do. And to add to the problem, when I gave instructions or told him to clean up the mess under his desk, he just stared at me like a deer in the headlights. Obviously, he was not processing what I was saying. I spent time condensing paragraphs to one or two sentences and creating simple questions for a volunteer to use with Ernie on comprehension. We started this too late in the year to see much result, but I realize now from having a granddaughter with Autism, that he needed much more extensive and basic language therapy than we knew about then. I often wonder where Ernie is now and how he has fared.
My first year I was totally unprepared for a phenomenon that occurred around eight weeks into the school year. For many, though unfortunately not all, there’s a magic moment in learning to read. The parts seem to come together and the mind simply “gets it.” It’s awesome. That first year it happened simultaneously for a group of the first graders. Several students came up to me, exclaiming excitedly, “Mrs. Norman, I can read! Listen! I can read.” And they could, smoothly and with expression that showed understanding. Before long most of the first graders were reading out loud at whatever their level of skill was with great enthusiasm to anyone willing to listen. I jettisoned the lesson plans and declared it “Reading Day.” Everyone was allowed to find a book they could read either at their seat or in a group. The second graders got into the spirit and made themselves available for consultation on difficult words. Even the first graders, who weren’t “there” yet, seemed infected with reading fever and were willing to give it their all. Nobody even wanted to stop for lunch. They all complained when I told them to line up.
It was a joyous and memorable moment.
But at the end of the year, tests showed that more children than should be were reading below level. No one turned off to learning in my classes, but I knew that when they could not manage content focused materials in later grades, they would. I was a conscientious and creative teacher. I loved the children and they loved me. The parents loved me and the principal loved me. But I was not the right teacher for basic skills such as reading and math.
I learn by grasping concepts and then connecting details to the relevant concepts. I scan material for ideas without reading every word. Repetition bores me silly, particularly of details. My mind makes connections without having to consciously go through consecutive steps.
Most people do not learn this way. About eighty percent learn linearly, step by step. Also, for them repetition is the soul of scholarship. The few of my students whose minds worked like mine raced ahead of grade level, learning joyously almost on their own. But the majority struggled, since I found it almost impossible to explain things in ways they could understand and because I did not stress repetition of detail nearly enough. To the detriment of those students, it took me two years to realize this. A reality that makes me sad even now.
When I gave notice because I didn’t feel I was the right person for teaching basic skills, the principal, school board, and parents wanted me to teach third and fourth grade. But, when I thought of those delightful children, whom I truly loved, having me for four years in a row, I regretfully declined.
Years later, I studied Carl Jung’s personality types and became a consultant on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. There is a lot of relevant research on the effects of mismatched teaching/learning styles. It demonstrates clearly why I was wrong for the task, though not for the children.
The Fart
hmmm……need a tee hee right now…hope it lightens someone else’s mood too…..
A fart
like a burglar
dropping the silver
shocking the night silence
and creating its own pin drop quiet
freezing everyone’s natural responses
leaving all innocent by-standers pregnant
with explosive tension nervously repressed.
No one can think of any appropriate action to take.
Fatty, Fatty, Five Foot Four – Can’t Get Through the Kitchen Door ( or I’m Heavy from All Those Stones I’ve Already Thrown at Myself)
Reread this and heard somethings I need to remember.
With some hesitation, I am entering the fray started recently by someone’s criticism of an overweight television personality.
A couple of years ago, I lost about twelve pounds, because of knee problems, surgery, and a slow recovery due to my pain being prolonged by Fibromyalgia. The simple fact was, I was bed-ridden, sleeping a lot, and couldn’t get to the refrigerator on my own. Encouraged by this, I went on the Adkins diet and lost thirty-three more pounds. I looked so much better that some people didn’t recognize me. I felt so much better that my whole pattern of life changed.
But I’m still addicted to food. It’s just that since I like meat, fish, eggs, cheese, leafy green vegetables, and nuts, I can now pretty much eat all the time and gain weight slowly enough to have some control over it. (However, my husband dislikes most meat and all…
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I Miss the Possibility of Her
My friend of over forty years, Norma Parham, died last week. She was a very interesting, talented and paradoxical woman. I miss having her to call and laugh with about aging. For the last year she had been a resident in a nursing home in rural Hickman County, where she played the piano for the residents and had just bought a ukelele to learn to play. She was the only Republican I ever knew that subscribed to Communist magazines in the 1970’s. They were delivered in brown paper wrappers. She grew up Church of Christ and converted to Catholicism. Though getting a Masters in Religious Ed made her a skeptic about taking scripture literally, she loved the psalms. Her mind was analytical, but at heart she was a mystic. She wrote poetry, painted, sang, and could tear up a piano playing everything from Boogie Woogie to Beethoven. She loved shooting my Pollyanna ideas down. She taught for 36 years. When I started teaching, she advised me to not smile for the first six weeks. When asked what it was like in her first years of teaching with several grades in one classroom, she said it was like herding cats. She spent summers either traveling or studying abroad on her own. She grew up in Hickman County in the country without indoor plumbing and with heat from a wood burning stove. After teaching about thirty years, she had a rather cynical opinion on the direction education was headed. So, when the new principal, a hardly dry behind the ears coach, called a meeting for all the teachers, she sat in the back row reading a newspaper. After a while the young new principal suggested that she might learn something if she stopped reading and listened. She carefully folded the paper and took out a pencil and pad and took notes for the rest of his talk. When it was over, she gave him her “notes,” suggesting that he might find them informative. The paper was completely filled with his grammar mistakes and her corrections. She was one of a kind. I miss the possibility of her.
Religious Rant for the Day
Theologians are theory people…and yes we need theory people…but they often miss the obvious. Yes, God is awesome, way way beyond our human understanding, worthy of our praise and admiration, but God is also practical!
YES! PRACTICAL! The BIG TEN weren’t traps, tests, or a spoil sport kind of thing. They are the incubator that helps keep us alive until we and finally all humanity mature enough to love others as much as, or like Jesus-more than-our small selves. They are for OUR protection! God is FOR us.
What about number 1? Does God need our love? God doesn’t NEED anything! WE need God What we admire and love, we try to be. But how do we imitate a God beyond our understanding? Duh! God’s goodness and love is fleshed out, visible, understandable, in a prototype so to speak: JESUS, a human growing into a Love that’s way beyond the “Big Ten,” a human struggling with the human suffering of sadness, discouragement, rejection, fear, and physical pain…but always open to God, both within and in others, open to grace to make the loving choice in the end, a human that moves beyond the “Minimum Ten” to fleshing out the beatitudes…a whole other level of love.
“Sins” against the Big Ten are just plain stupidity, once you realize that Jesus showed us that this very fleeting life isn’t all there is and that instant gratification and gathering toys are for children and need to be outgrown before we can move on. The truth is that coveting, stealing, killing etc., end up making our lives miserable, even hell.
And it takes finding that source of grace which we call God, both within and outside ourselves to out grow our childish shortsighted selfishness .
Norma’s Friend God
Then
It was evening,
That magic, in-between time
Of the cricket,
the evening star
The song of the settling birds.
I walked out into
The last red glow of sunset-
Soft light bathing the earth.
I walked out and looked around
And there was God,
Crouching on the hilltop
And I said, .”Good evening, God.”
And God answered, “Good evening, friend.”
And I sat down on a tree root
And watched the fading red rays in the sky,
And the lightning bugs,
And I listened to the crickets.
“Sure is mighty pretty, God.
You sure fixed everything up mighty pretty.”
And God kind of smiled, crouching up there on the
hillside,
Gazing off like He could see the whole Universe
with one look.
Then He looked at me
With that same kind of smile.
Then I knew.
He knew.
Norma Parham
Rest in peace with your friend God, Norma. I will miss you.
The Reason for Old Age?
I just spent two weeks in a convalescent home for therapy for a badly shattered shoulder.
After a few days I felt good enough at eating with my left hand to eat lunch in the dining room.
Being there temporarily, I had just brought exercise clothes.The others were all dressed quite elegantly, even with matching jewelry. I felt a bit shabby until a helper put baby blue terry cloth bibs on all of us. Somehow bibs are a great equalizer!
I have wondered often why God allows old age to be so humbling. Having some pride seems a virtue of sorts. But now I think that is what old age is about. Recognizing that we are all equal in God’s eyes and loved just as we are without one plea or status symbol. Over and over Jesus tells us that His way is not the world’s way, that our value is based on the love of God, not achievement, riches, nationality, religion, image.
More and more I realize that only when we either let go or are stripped of those, do we discover not only our human brotherhood, but our oneness with all, including Jesus, the human expression of the unconditional love that is God.
What was the “Way” of Jesus? It was to witness to the Love that is God by healing the sick, feeding the hungry and calling us to do the same. How did it end in worldly terms? In helplessness, unvalued by the world, identified with the lost, no longer even able to help himself, never-the-less others, abandoned by almost all of those closest to him.
I can tell you from experience with my mother’s dying by inches with Alzheimer’s and friends who spent their last years in nursing homes or even alone most days living with their children who work, Jesus’ last days describe many peoples’ last years.
We leave the world the way we came into it: naked, helpless, equal, of infinite value, and loved by God because of whom God is, not whom we are.
And the challenge of life is to become able to love ourselves and others the same way.
I Weep for Jesus
Spirituality is personal faith based on an ongoing, growing relationship with the source of life and love.
Religion is faith shared by a group. Unless religion is based on spirituality, it becomes a country club, or worse, a desire for power over others, rather than the power to love others.
Jesus wept for his people, the Jews, because they could not hear the Good News of being loved, because they feared the cost of loving.
I think now, he weeps for those who gather in his name.
And I weep for Jesus, this awesome God filled, human expression of God’s Love for all creation, who the Scripture’s tell us grew in truth and holiness.
I weep for Jesus, who was even able to allow the lowest members of his society to challenge him to see that his mission was to share the Love of God with the whole world, not just one…
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Glimpses of God’s Footprints from the Wine Press :)
I grew up living in apartments in large cities. From eight years of age until thirteen, I actually lived on the seventh floor of a ten story apartment building near downtown St. Louis. After I met and married a Tennessee boy at Rice University in Houston, Texas, we moved to Nashville where his parents had both a downtown apartment and a large weekend country house in a neighboring rural county.
As our own family grew, we spent more and more weekends at Birdsong, their lovely hundred year old log house that now had all the modern conveniences, but still radiated the warmth and charm of a by-gone era. It was on a two hundred acre rural setting of both woods and fields with a river sized creek complete with waterfall and swimming hole. It also had fields of peonies, horses and barns, a pond, a replica of Fort Nashborough built for the grandchildren to play in and a historic ruin of a real civil war powder mill.
At first I followed my mother-in-law on excursions into the woods to look for Jack-in-the Pulpit and tiny delicate wild Iris with a city dweller’s fear and trepidation. “Snakes and ticks and poison ivy, oh my!” But after my awakening to the reality of God, I began to fall in love with His creation from its obvious glories to its fascinating hidden world of tiny treasures.
When I was expecting my fifth child by Caesarian section along with a scheduled hysterectomy, my in-laws decided to sell Birdsong. They offered to trade us the main house, barn, the tenant house, pond and the thirty- five acres of creek front woods and fields in exchange for whatever we could make from selling our house. Not only did I covet Birdsong, but this was an incredibly good financial trade for us. Our house was a pleasant traditional two story, four bedroom house in walking distance of an excellent public school, but Birdsong was twice its size, historic, beautiful and unique in a wonderful thirty-five acre setting on a creek. There was even a tenant house that we had been remodeling. After prayer and discussion, my husband and I decided this was the chance of a lifetime and we put our house on the market a month before Thanksgiving when our baby was due.
While I was in the hospital recuperating from my C-section and hysterectomy, our house sold with the agreement that the buyer could have possession by January 1st. To say the least, the move was a daunting prospect at Christmas time in my post-operative condition with a new baby and four other children under ten. But, it seemed like a miracle to sell so quickly for the price we were asking. Besides, I wanted Birdsong more than I had ever wanted anything. To top it off, my husband’s oldest brother had hired a baby nurse to stay with us for the first two weeks I was home. This was a perfect baby gift that would help us considerably. The move just seemed meant to be.
Unfortunately, shortly after we got home from the hospital, we discovered that our baby, who was miserably unhappy both night and day, needed surgery for a painful strangulated hernia. Our wonderful baby nurse and I prayed together for healing for him. But instead, at the hospital the night before his surgery, an intern discovered that our baby also had a heart valve defect. It was obviously his first examination of a baby boy, since he didn’t think to protect his new Christmas tie from a tiny fountain of pee. Shaken by his discovery, but hoping his lack of experience had allowed him to be misled, I called my pediatrician, who managed to get there in fifteen minutes. After emergency tests, the surgeon and our pediatrician agreed that the heart defect didn’t appear life threatening and since it was the type that sometimes closed naturally, they went ahead with just the hernia surgery. It was a scary, stressful time of tears and exhaustion, but with many people joined in prayer for Tommy. After the unscheduled surgery there was only room for us in a four patient room. The spoiled princess part of me was distressed over having to be in a room with three other mothers and their crying babies, all of us sleeping on cots literally under our babies in their high metal cribs. But, I had hardly had any sleep since my surgeries, so when Tommy awoke hungry the first time in the wee hours after his surgery, I didn’t even wake up when he cried. The kindness of strangers touched me deeply, when I finally woke and discovered that the other mothers had fed him, so I could sleep. It was a humbling glimpse of how false my priorities were.
The day we brought him home from his surgery, my in-laws came to visit and announced apologetically that they had accepted an offer for Birdsong, including the whole two hundred acres and all the smaller buildings . I was devastated. My heart felt literally broken and I gradually recognized that coveting really is different from just wishing for something. Eventually, I accepted that God was trying to set me free.
But ending up two weeks before Christmas having no where to go after the following week was pretty much of a shock. At that day and time there were no condos or apartments in our neighborhood. Checking the papers and calling local realtors turned up nothing to rent while we tried to figure out what we wanted to do. I didn’t want the children to change schools mid-year, in case we decided to make the change to living in the country somewhere else than Birdsong. Available houses were as scarce in our school zone as apartments. After I had called the last realtor, I sat on the couch with tears flowing down my cheeks. The kind baby nurse, an older black woman with seven grown children, sat down beside me and put her arm around my shoulders.
“What do you need exactly?” she asked.
I thought about not being able to drive or climb stairs for over four more weeks and answered, “A five bedroom, one story house in walking distance to our school to rent for nine months. That will give us time to decide where we want to live without our children having to change schools.”
She responded immediately with a smile, “All right, we’ll pray for exactly that and a can of oil.”
“A c c can of oil?” I stuttered.
“Yes,” she said, “We have to take the baby back to the doctor’s tomorrow and I’m not comfortable driving your car and mine needs a can of oil.”
I tried not to look incredulous, as she began to pray very specifically. When she finished and we said, “Amen” together, she smiled cheerfully and went to get me a cup of coffee. As I sat there stunned, the doorbell rang. It was Sarah, a woman that I knew from the school’s Parent Association.
“Eileen,” she said,” I’m sorry to bother you. I hope I didn’t wake up the baby, but my car gets eccentric sometimes and it has stopped at the end of your driveway. Can I use your phone to get my mechanic to come?”
“Sure,” I replied, “If you’ll ask him to bring a can of oil.” After making her phone call, she joined me for coffee while we waited for the mechanic and the can of oil.
“I hear you’ve sold your house and are moving to the country,” she said.
“Well, yes and no. The move to the country fell through and I’m in something of a panic. I don’t want the children to have to change schools until we figure out where we want to live. And right now there is nothing available to rent around here.”
Sarah’s eyes lit up as she asked, “Do you know about the Keck’s house?”
“No, where is that?” I responded.
“It’s one street over and two houses down from you. You can see the back yard from here. They are going to the Philippines as missionaries for nine months. They are supposed to leave the first of January, if they can find a renter. They aren’t advertising, because they will be leaving their furniture and possessions and don’t want to rent to complete strangers.”
Breathless with my heart racing, I asked, “What is the house like?”
“It’s a one story with four bedrooms and a study, and a large den. It also has a wonderful yard and patio.”
I actually gasped in disbelief. “That would work perfectly for us and we have a large basement storage area at our office where we could easily store their things. That would probably be safer for their belongings and happier for our kids.”
It turned out that we had many mutual friends with the Kecks, so they were happy to rent to us. Dr. Keck taught theology at Vanderbilt and had a library of books that I read hungrily in the months we lived there.
So, three weeks later we moved a block away and after several months of looking for land in the country, we bought our own ‘hundred acre wood’ with a creek and hundreds of tiny wild Iris all along the banks. That fall, we moved into a marvelous house my husband had designed very specifically for us and in a county with a much better school system than where Birdsong was. Eventually, my husband started his own business here in this county where we lived.
One of the best parts of this memory is the woman who prayed with me. She had raised seven children in serious poverty and mostly by herself, due to her husband’s dependence on alcohol. To her, I must have seemed like a spoiled affluent weakling, yet she cared about my problems and believed God would help me just as He had her when she needed it.
An important addendum involves forgiveness. My in-laws had made an exceptionally generous offer, but seemed oblivious to the challenges their change of plans presented for us and I was not feeling very kindly toward them. I still couldn’t drive and our baby and I were both still recuperating. Christmas expenses and moving were draining our resources and as temperatures dropped along with my size, I needed a winter coat. As I was worrying about how to solve this, my mother-in-law appeared at our door. She came in obviously in a hurry handing me a shopping bag, saying, “I was in Dillard’s buying underwear and I saw this coat. You may not like it or need it, so you don’t have to keep it, but something just told me to buy this for you.” And there was the most beautiful coat I had ever seen. It was a perfect fit. She brushed away my thanks and hurried on to an appointment.
As I prayed for grace to forgive, I thought, If she can hear God in this, maybe God has a reason for all of it. And I was able to shift perspective, let go of coveting and start looking forward again, seeking God’s will without assuming I knew what His plan for us was.
Time has made it clear that we were meant to start a totally different life in a house my architect husband designed specifically for us in a county with a better school situation. A few years later another crisis of circumstances led to starting an architecture firm in our new area which has been once again a challenging, but grace filled, serendipity.
Sometimes, it seems to me, there are values that we accept when we tell the creative force behind all things that we want to be aligned with its highest purpose, then we become part of the flow with complex circumstances uniting to accomplish this in our lives. And the pattern is like a tapestry that we are part of, seeing only the crisscrossing mish-mosh of threads from our perspective, while a glorious work of art is emerging from a universal, eternal perspective.
(However, on a feeling level, it often feels like being grapes in God’s wine press and God has seriously large feet.)
